Dear Chivalry,

     When I was 18 years old my first, no second, wait! let's not count, serious boyfriend told me to stop making him mixtapes. "You only listen to love songs," he said "Don't you know anything else?".  And I realized I didn't.  I then forced myself to learn to appreciate music that wasn't love-is-forever-I'll-build-my-world-around-you music.  The problem Chivalry, is that the change in soundtrack has not altered my warped expectations and fears of falling in love.  I am a quote: vibrant, emancipated, single, young, and sexual woman, end quote. However, I often find said fears complicating my enjoyment of these things.  I fear the responsibility of being needed to complete someone, needing them, and my ability to make the right "real sustaining compromise" that equals love - forever.  If I make that promise, I fear my ability to keep it; but I want that more than anything.  As a result I torture myself, ruminating over the significance and legitimacy of - what seems to be apparent for everyone else - ephemeral or insubstantial relationships.  How can I guide myself towards more meaningful relationships or let go of such severe hopes and expectations?  Maybe I just need a better soundtrack?

-Blaming It On The Jams

Dear Blaming,

     I'm not going to pretend that the questions you're asking are even remotely answerable,  but I can point out the interesting correlation that you've drawn here.  Expanding one's taste can be considered infinitely similar to something like gaining experience in relationships.  As you shape your aesthetic sense, you naturally begin to appreciate more and branch out.  And with your relationships, the valuable lessons you learn will eventually account for what make up your desires and aspirations.  In both respects you are searching to be made to feel something and the more you know the more you have to compare to.  As you get older, the inclinations of true love and the ideas surrounding such magic can be diluted by the inevitable disappointments that come with taking chances.  The constant search is present for everyone and for some, never goes away.   

     You should know that you have every right to be afraid.  To feel like you can let yourself fall in love means that you have to be able to risk everything, and of course, this isn't easy.  But it seems like you are asking if you should compromise your true feelings, and I can say without doubt that I believe that you shouldn't.  It's all too common in us to accept what is easy and given before the difficult and ultimately more rewarding path.  After all, what is more important than this?  What should take precedence over your greatest happiness in true love?  Nothing should.  

     I would say to make your best attempt to keep these auspicious hopes intact and just keep looking.  Your favorite song is most likely one you haven't even heard yet.  

Signed,

Chivalry 

Dear Chivalry,

     For a while now, I've been opposed to change.  I've never felt comfortable about evolving trends.  I sweat when a cast member gets replaced on a TV show (I was in a three-day coma when The Man "conspicuously" switched moms in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air).  My least favorite word in the German vernacular is "zeitgeist" and my seventh-grade T-shirts are still in heavy rotation.  In other words, I haven't changed my look in a long, long time.  But that has to change.

     Not to say that I don't like my look.  As a matter of fact, me and my look have had a healthy and hearty relationship for as long as I can remember.  We complement each other magnificently.  My problem isn't with my wardrobe.  It revolves around what I call my "necessary accessory."  I need new glasses.  My glasses are my best friend, my BFF in fact; but the problem with having a best friend is that people will have a problem differentiating the two.  I'm not totally sure whether people can tell us apart.  We look great together, but as soon as my glasses aren't there, people start to wonder where I've gone.  They can't recognize me. When I'm with my glasses, strangers on the street stop and smile (you know, that smile mothers give cute little children on the playground?).  When my glasses are on the table and not on my face, they've guffawed, chortled and probably thought to themselves, "Well, don't you look severe!".

     Chivalry, I need your help.  I can't decide what kind of glasses to get. Right now, I have a pair that rivals Terry Richardson's.  I need something new and something different.  Something that won't swallow me and take over me, like some alien pod-like creature, and then have an identity all its on (I feel like that's happening now).  At the same time, I need something that's creative, original (or a variation of), with a splash of wit and humor and personality (because that's how I do).  Is that even possible?  Quick, the clock is ticking! It's only a matter of time until my glasses catch on to this, and then it'll be lights out for me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you in advance. Keep up the good work.

Unfeignedly,

Four-Eyed Friend Forever

PS- Contacts are not an option.

Dear Four-Eyed Friend Forever,

     It goes without saying that clothes or accessories most certainly do not make the person, but there's no doubt that it can have a very real effect on how people see you.  And when it comes to glasses it can be especially important due to the simple fact that they're right there on your face.  This means that your glasses are between you and every conversation you have, framing your features and expressions all day long.  You might be surprised as to how many people experience the same situation as yours.  They've developed a look based around their glasses that the people they know have grown accustomed to, and now they feel obligated to uphold this.  What's important to understand above all is that you are in complete control here.  You make the decisions and you can do whatever you want when it comes to your personal style.  

     So if you feel ready to let go of your old glasses, then there are a few things to consider while deciding on your next pair.  First step, as any optometrist will tell you, is to determine the shape of your face.  There are about 5 basic face shapes: oval, round, rectangular, square, and triangular.  And with each shape comes a set of loose guidelines to help you find a pair of glasses that fit your face.  For example, if your face shape is oval, you have the widest range of choices to choose from.  And if you have a square face you should consider circles or straight angles, and so on and so forth.  It's also important that your glasses don't obscure or hide your eyebrows, instead make sure that the top of your frames line up just below.  Try to find a pair of frames that follow your brow line as closely as possible without overlapping for a sleek and congruous feel.  And finally, remember to keep in mind as well your hair and eye color when picking the color of your frames.  Standard color matching rules apply.   

     Finding a good pair of glasses is by no means an easy task.  Most likely it'll take a decent amount of time and multiple trips to different vendors.  I've actually had some very good luck at everyday thrift stores for finding frames and sunglasses.  You'll find that somewhere in the store, usually near a display case, there will be a basket of used frames to sort through.  Most modern frames have a sterile and boring look, but for a good pair of new frames you might find something that suits you made by designers Viktor & Rolf.  They make a range of contemporary styles that borrow from classic vintage looks, without looking like they're trying to be vintage.  But like all good things, they're somewhat hard to find.
     
     All that being said, when you find and try on your next pair of glasses, it's one of those things that you will know instantly.  They will look, feel and fit just right and your search will be over.

Signed,

Chivalry

Dear Chivalry,

     I have never been to the DAAC before. Plain and simple. I am a (slightly) active participant on G-Rad, a (past-tense) long-time patron of Four Friends coffee house, and customer at Vertigo. I feel that these things should allow me to some how 'fit in' with the folks at the DAAC. However, I am, I believe, a bit younger than most of the average (18), and feel like my age difference to some (most?) of the people there might be a bit difficult to reconcile. I'd like to be comfortable there, but I don't really know anyone and I'm a little shy. Well, a lot shy. How can I open up to these new situations and new people and not feel like I'm being judged? I read these G-Rad posts about 'hipsters' and teenagers I can't help but feel like I'm not really what they want there. I think most of it is just that I am nervous and shy and paranoid, yes?

Sincerely,

18 is no fun.

Dear 18 is no fun,

     Yes.  It seems like most of this might be based around some general apprehensions you have about putting yourself in an unfamiliar environment.  Trust me, everyone feels like this at one point or another, it's something we all have in common.  I know that it's easy to feel intimidated when it comes to things like this, but I can confidently say that The DAAC is not a place you should worry about.  Especially with respect to your age, it's is an ALL AGES venue! The idea of there being some kind of self imposed age restriction would be such a shame and completely adverse to the whole point.  I would say that the only way to get over all of this is to just bite the bullet and go to a show.  Bring a friend along if you feel too nervous about going alone, believe me it's a lot easier than you think.        

     I remember the first show I saw at the DAAC very clearly.  I was 20 years old and I came armed with my fancy camera which I used as a sort of crutch.  I remember being kind of nervous at first, just about being in a new place that I wasn't used to.  But it quickly went away once I realized that no one was looking at me or making me feel awkward at all.  It's a small space and it happened that this show was sold out so I guess that made it a little easier to blend in.  All in all, the show was amazing and I actually ended up meeting someone that night who to this day I consider to be a dear friend.  I wrote about the show earlier this year, and the first song on the recommended (all live at The DAAC) playlist below is actually a song from that very night.  

     To finish up, I have to widen the scope a bit here and say that I can't think of anywhere you should be afraid of going because of what people might think.  You shouldn't let anyone stand in your way of going out and enjoying yourself.    
 
Signed,

Chivalry

Dear Chivalry,

     I saw an acquaintance of mine the other day on a bike.  He said that he had just gotten it, and I asked where.  He said it was unlocked on a street and he took it.  I asked how long he had seen it there unlocked (thinking that maybe he had been watching it to make sure it was abandoned) and he said he just took it at the same minute he saw it, took it home, and spray painted it.  I told him he stole it and he scoffed.  Question is, now what do I do?  I didn't get a good look at the bike, so I wouldn't be able to describe it to anyone who had lost a bike, and I don't remember where he said he found it.

- Anonymous Question Asker

Dear Anonymous Question Asker,

     Simply put - this person is a thief and they should be reported.  You need to make an anonymous complaint to the local authorities and give them the same information you've provided here.  Odds are, the person who had their bike stolen has made out a police report and will be able to identify the bike regardless of its paint job.  And I can assure you, this person will be tremendously thankful for what you've done.  I'm guessing that you're concerned that this will come back around to you and this acquaintance of yours will blame you, but this is unfortunately something that you will have to risk it if you want to do the right thing.  This person did something completely wrong and they deserve the consequences.

Signed,

Chivalry

Dear Chivalry,

     How do people manage these long distance relationships? The longing hurts so bad, invades my dreams, distracts my days, brings me down. I fight going with the flow and being stubborn in the stream.  For years I've tried to be happy where I am and find companionship, like my produce, locally. The truth is simply that my heart, and my fortune-filled career that allows frequent flights into my love's arms, are too far away. I don't want to settle for what's near and this heartache is too unpleasantly unsettling. Can you help plug this hole that my love leaves in his absence?

Lost and Longing Lady

Dear Lost and Longing Lady,

     There is no quick and easy cure for the loneliness caused by absence, but there are a few things that may help ease the pain.  You can start by looking to your close friends for companionship, take this time to nurture the relationships with those around you and enjoy their uninterrupted company.  However, beware of those who may see your boyfriend being away as an "opportunity".  Not to stereotype, but the tendencies of those who are "near" can create situations that will test your will power and ultimately make things a great deal more difficult.  Just something to keep in mind.  Another device that I've always found comfort in is the simple act of making things for others.  Focusing on small projects that aim to bring happiness to the one you're with always helped me to deal with time apart, or at least made that time feel more productive.  And after all, what's better than giving a gift to someone after they've been away?  

     The one over-riding positive that comes from separation would most obviously be when the waiting is finally over.  The anticipation and build up that precedes the day when you are together again can provide a feeling unlike anything else.  All the time spent apart can melt away in that single moment of your first embrace.  It's said that you can not fully appreciate something until you have to be without it.  So at its best, distance can provide a learning experience that shows you how strong your feelings really are.  Staying true and focusing on the day of your reunion will help see you through these desolate times.

     Stay strong.

Signed,

Chivalry  

Dear Chivalry,

     The pain of the old always interferes with the hope of the new... How do I get rid of my grudges, fears, and false desires?  So that I can metamorphose... become something beautiful?

Truly,

Anomaly

Dear Anomaly,

     "Don't fight the darkness, bring the light and the darkness will disappear."

     - M.M.Y.

Signed,

Chivalry

Dear Chivalry,

     I've recently found myself in a wonderful relationship with a girl who is, by all standards of normalcy, rather unconventional. This is probably the reason I am so drawn to her. We're actually an interesting couple, and hardly ever questioned by those around us. We have fun, and are very passionate with each other. However, we are currently separated over the summer due to living arrangements. We have mutually agreed to maintain this over the summer, and as far as I can tell, no feelings have truly been lost. My problem however lies in my own mind.

     I can't help but shake the feeling that I'm with this girl for bad reasons, like the fact that maybe she is the best I can do, or if I let her go, I will be alone forever. On top of this, I have a picture of my own as to what my ideal woman was going to end up being. My girlfriend makes me very happy, and the more I think about her, the more positive characteristics I find, but I still am left wondering if maybe I'm fighting too hard for something that isn't everything I would hope it can be...

     So... I ask: Would the right thing to do be to throw a beautiful working relationship into disarray by openly talking about some very dangerous feelings, or to give her time to prove that the good that I see in her is everything I make it out to be? Could all of this thought merely be a symptom of my temporary separation and loneliness?

Sincerely,

Confused and Scared

Dear Confused and Scared,

      There are many things about your letter worth discussing, but in the interest of keeping things relatively brief, I think we should try to focus on the idea of the "ideal".  I'm sure you can agree that part of growing up and being in a meaningful and mature relationship is realizing that whatever picture you have of your "ideal" person is most likely never going to happen.  When you find the right person it's rarely the case that they are exactly who you had in mind.  You might find yourself head over heels for someone who you'd never ever envisioned for yourself, and that's completely exciting.  The real danger here is that you can spend your whole life trying to find that one perfect person and ultimately end up where you started.  On the other hand, it's not to say that you should settle for a relationship that isn't fulfilling your needs.  Complacency is a dangerous attitude and can sometimes lead to a lifetime of unhappiness.  Do you really want to make decisions based on fear of being alone?  I think you know this is irrational, but I understand how it can play a role in your thinking.  Finding your one and only is such a game of chance, so it's easy to feel you might never meet someone again.

      To answer your first question, which seems to be should you share your concerns with your girlfriend.  I would say yes, after you've taken a little more time to think things over, you should.  It's unfortunate that you are not in the same place right now, because these are difficult things to talk about over the phone or internet, so try to wait for the appropriate moment and be as patient as you can.  Perhaps you can pose the same question to her, does she have her own picture of her "ideal" man?  Maybe she's feeling the same way.  It's important to feel like you can share your feelings because after a while it can become dangerous to let these things tumble around in your head and grow into worse problems.  Now, with respect to your question of this all being a symptom of loneliness, there is something worth mentioning here.  Basically, time apart can do one of two things:  It can show you what it's like to truly miss someone, or sometimes it can send you in the other direction.  If this girl is fun and unconventional and makes you feel good, then you really shouldn't be stressing. You should be beside yourself and counting the moments until you see her again.  It does sound like you care about this girl quite a bit especially when you say the more you think of her the more you find that you like.  Then keep thinking about her!  It's important to be open to the fact that your definition of "ideal" can evolve over time.

      In closing, I have to be honest and tell you that I can empathize with you on this more than you know.  I've felt this way more times then I would like to admit, and I know how hard it is to be in this position.  Fear and doubt are completely normal feelings when you're unsure of such an important thing, and it's hard to admit when you're scared and confused about being in a relationship.  I have no absolute answer for you here, it's not a black and white issue in the least.  But I hope you can be patient and take the time to look at your own feelings first and then approach your situation in a thoughtful and mature manner before possibly throwing away a good thing.  As a general rule I would say that it's important to work and try to understand the relationship you are in, not the one you might be in someday. 

      Thank you for your letter and good luck.

Signed,

Chivalry

Dear Chivalry,

     I need some advice. I was recently at a Fourth of July party in the backyard of a friends home in Los Angeles.  With fireworks exploding in the sky, I found myself sitting in a lawn chair chatting with a very lovely girl. She was sharp witted, easy to talk with and I was increasingly attracted to her as the night went on.  As it got late she said she had to go and naturally, I asked her if she wanted to hang out some other time. She said yes, gave me her number and was off.  Excited, I sent her a text message about 15 minutes later and hopped on my bike to ride home as well. When I got home I had a message from her saying, "Really nice to meet you too! By the way, I'm totally gay...".  We ended up hanging out again, anyways, and having a really nice time. I like this girl a lot, and am still really attracted to her, but want to respect her and have a sincere friendship because I think she's awesome. Any advice?

Signed,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

     First off, let's look at something very important that happened:  She was up front and honest with you from the beginning, this is definitely worth noting.  You may have come on a little strong by only waiting 15 minutes to contact her that night, but that's not all bad because it sounds like she sensed you were interested and wanted to set the record straight right away.  The most obvious element here is that she is in fact, not romantically interested in men.  Which means that there is very little question as to how this will end up.  If you feel you are able to honestly pursue a platonic relationship with this girl, then by all means you should.  But if you are expecting something more than that to come from this, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.  I would say to give it some time and if after a while you still feel that strongly about your attraction to her, then you should let her know.  It's still very early, so if you take a step back there's plenty of time to put yourself in a position that is both prepared and sensible.  All that being said, try to look at it this way:  You have a new friend, and that is always a good thing.

     Thank you for sharing and good luck.

Signed,

Chivalry

Dear Bonny,

     How do you deal with the lonely times?

Patrick

Dear Patrick,

     At this point in my life, I am rarely lonely. This is new for me. I am 38 years old, and it took me a good 36 or 37 years to enjoy my own company and to enjoy fully the quietness of that state. Prior to recent times, being alone meant being scared, and I would deal with it through reading, drinking, or enjoying the proxy companionship that movie-watching provides. Or writing, or running scared. Sometimes doing objectively horrible things! But those days are not here for now. As easy at it is to deny or forget, doing maintenance was always the best way of dealing with the lonely times. Weeding, sweeping, responding to letters. Things that, unfortunately do not give immediate visceral satisfaction. Still, when the tasks were done, I would feel happier, and the time for sleep, and dreaming, would be closer at hand.

Bonny

Dear Reader,

     Please write to: dearchivalry@gmail.com with any questions you may have.  We look forward to hearing from you.

Signed,

Chivalry