Chivalry http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/ en Copyright 2012 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 16:19:09 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Entr'acte II

Artist: BB
Song: Never Will I Walk
Video: Miscellany / PJB
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2010/03/artist-bbsong-never-will-i.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2010/03/artist-bbsong-never-will-i.php Mon, 22 Mar 2010 16:19:09 -0500 The Everyday

Dear Chivalry,

     I live for moments of intense consciousness.  I enjoy sunsets, crisp fall walks when the noise of the leaves under foot loudly documents each step, a first kiss, the long wait for the second... slightly more passionate kiss, the feeling of the water around my body as I float face up during a night swim.  I continue to search these things out blindly.  To hold onto them and consider them the true treasures of life.

     Obviously,  the drudge of day or the downtime fills in the majority of the rest of the time.  The sweet things in life are sweeter because of the rarity of their presence.  Is the answer to seek a dulling of the sharp intensely real moments and thus de-emphasize the down time... let alone the darkly bland times?  The idea that mediocrity is more bearable than to search for the truly beautiful.  Or do I continue to wander and hope for that which is unattainable?

Yours Truly,

Longing Lover of Life

The response and recommendations for this question have been provided by a special guest contributor.  Enjoy...

Dear Longing Lover of Life,

     Here's the good news: you never have to become accustomed to mediocrity.  Anything can be beautiful, if you pay attention.  There is no shortage, no scarcity, so don't start rationing your enjoyment.
 
     It seems to me "the sweet things" and "the drudge of day" are subjective categories and needn't be mutually exclusive.  The vibrant and the dull are not some binary star, orbiting but never touching.  In my experience, "moments of intense consciousness" can seize us at anytime, even in the midst of routine.  I worry that you may have built up your wandering search for beauty and created a false struggle.  Or is it, as you suggest, that you love the struggle most of all? 

     It might be enough to simply acknowledge the grand metaphor you've chosen and bear it in mind as you live your life.  But frankly, I think you'd do well to reject the dualism of mediocrity and beauty.  And if some things are truly unattainable, then I suspect we are made better in reaching for them.

Sincerely,

A.B.A.
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/11/the-everyday.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/11/the-everyday.php Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:42:33 -0500 Holding It In

Dear Chivalry,

     I grew up in a conservative, Evangelical Christian household.  I'm grownup, out of the house, and not a Christian anymore.

     My parents and I have danced around the topics of beliefs and sin for years, and my policy has generally been: what they don't know can't hurt them.  They would be heartbroken to learn that I've had sex and I'm not going to marry a Christian and probably won't even get married in the traditional sense.  This information won't just make them sad, it will eat at them for the rest of their lives, as they mourn their daughter and agonize over her salvation.  That's the part I can't control.  

     My honesty will create a very real chasm between us, but my dishonesty doesn't help anything, either.  I want to be completely open with them about my relationships and lifestyle.  I can foresee a day when I'm with somebody who means the world to me and I'll want my parents to know.

     How can I begin to share myself with my folks in a way that is non-threatening and encourages them to be part of my life, while making it clear that I am committed to my choices?  How do I prepare them for whatever my love life may turn out to be?

Sincerely,

Living In Sin

Dear Living In Sin,

     Such a difficult situation.  I understand your concern here, you're right, disagreements like this can tear families apart.  I commend you for not wanting to take the easy way out and continuing to avoid or waiting until you do find someone and you'll be forced to explain yourself to them.  It's not the kind of thing that simply ignoring can make go away, and it must be very hard on you to hold all this in.

     First off, it may be best for you to take it slow.  I wouldn't suggest a full on assault of all your conflicting beliefs at once, but rather move one step at a time.  You'll have to decide how best to approach this.  But perhaps the next time marriage or religion comes up, instead of dancing around the topic like you mentioned, you could use it as an opening to assert some of your thoughts in a calm and casual manner.  I'm not sure how often this happens, or if you have tried this before, but however far you've taken it in the past, try to take it at least one step further.  It should become easier with time, and each discussion that you share just one thought you may have held in before will start to add up.  Even the most monumental of differences can erode away with the accumulation of small efforts.  The hardest part will be starting.  But the sooner you create the unavoidable chasm you described, the sooner you can start working to repair it through honest and mature discourse. 

     No matter what, remember certain things will remain even after you've shared these things with your parents.  You will always be their daughter and I'm sure they will continue to care for you in the same way they have before.  Hopefully they will at least try to understand where you're coming from.

     I sincerely hope you're able to work things out.

Signed,

Chivalry
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/11/holding-it-in.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/11/holding-it-in.php Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:48:49 -0500 New Surroundings

Dear Chivalry,

     I recently took an internship in a small town in upstate NY. The internship is amazing, but the town is a terrible hippy graveyard (near the Woodstock) where 50 year-olds with tattoos and hippy names like "Flower" jump around embarrassing their hipster teenage kids.  I am 23, I would like to make friends, but I haven't found a single place I would really like to hang out yet.  I recently graduated from college.  I am realizing that meeting people is so hard outside of collegiate walls. 

     Do you have any advice?  I've only been here for three weeks, but I am desperately missing my boyfriend and all my best friends.  I feel utterly stranded in the world with no grounding or motivation to get out and make it happen.  I have never been alone like this before and am someone who hates being by themselves... Have any advice?

(Unsigned)

Dear Reader,

     When I finished college I moved away from home and found myself in a similar situation.  I was in a somewhat different environment than the one you currently find yourself in, but I remember having a lot of the same problems.  I wasn't sure if I was ever going to meet new friends or develop any sense of belonging where I was.

     I brought up my troubles to the people around me who had also relocated from somewhere else, and they all gave the same advice:  "Give it 3 months, if you still don't like it, then maybe you shouldn't be here."  I decided to test this theory out and 3 months in - I did in fact feel a new attachment to where I was.  I ended up staying for over 2 years and I look back on that time in my life very fondly.  I bring this up just to highlight the fact that first impressions of new surroundings can be somewhat deceiving.  You should give things a little bit more time and try to make the best of your situation.  Who knows, it may get better, it may get worse.  But giving it a fair shot is important. 

     As far as different ways to meet new people where you live, I really can't provide you with anything past the obvious.  Concerts, lectures, book stores, volunteering, there are a million chances out there.  But you could also try to see this time you spend there as an opportunity to become more comfortable with being alone.  There's nothing wrong with missing the company of your loved ones, but learning how to deal with their absence and developing a strong sense of self will help you for the rest of your life.

     Stick it out.

Signed,

Chivalry
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/11/new-surroundings.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/11/new-surroundings.php Tue, 03 Nov 2009 12:25:43 -0500 Entr'acte

Artist: Matthew Muschiana
Song: Leopard Leg
Video: Miscellany
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/10/entracte.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/10/entracte.php Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:18:35 -0500 Only One Way To Find Out

Dear Chivalry,

     For almost two years now I have been invested in a wonderful friendship with a wonderful girl.  A girl that I have had a wild crush on since day one.  The friendship has definitely grown far beyond the childishness in which it started and the crush definitely stays on the back burner almost forgotten, but still, I find her on my mind more often than not.

     Just recently she broke the news to me that she is moving in the next month.  Like seriously moving.  Far far away.  Now... this situation has basically been my life story.  I find myself heartbroken by unrequited (or so I think) crushes that begin in a few beautiful days spent together and end forever in me or the girl leaving the city after only just meeting and I never have the courage to speak up about it.

     With this particular girl, I have always wanted to love her as more than "just a friend" but at the same time I have always told myself (mostly out of fear) that what we have now is perfect, so why ruin or complicate it with "romantics".  But as her departure nears I feel more and more that something needs to be said.  I am getting way too nervous about what to do!  Is it worth it to risk our current relationship with last minute airport pleads or do I live on, knowing that I let another wonderful girl leave my life with no question...

     How do I get out of this pattern of falling for girls that I have to say goodbye to the next day?

(Unsigned)

Dear Reader,

     All you have to do is tell her how you feel.  Simple as that.

Signed,

Chivalry

Post Script ~

     At first I wrote a long, drawn out, rambling answer, but in the end decided it was all completely redundant.  You can break the pattern you described right now by being honest and direct with this girl before she leaves.  I'm sure it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

(To read about a similar situation, click here.)
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/10/only-one-way-to-find-out.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/10/only-one-way-to-find-out.php Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:04:05 -0500 Even Those With The Best Intentions

Dear Chivalry,

     I met a nice guy a while back, he relocated to be with me but then cheated on me while out of town on a business trip.  I am fantastic and not deserving of that type of behavior so we broke it off.

     He is still a dear close friend because he understands me so well and is very supportive of my artistic endeavors.  He has come into some money trouble and I have a spare room at my house.  Normally I feel like this would be a poor choice since it has only been a few short months since we split but I think I'm going through with it.

     What do you think?  I'm so torn about this because he is the sweetest most wonderful man I've ever dated while simultaneously being the worst.

Best,

R

Dear R,

     Be careful here.  Living with someone can be stressful under any circumstances.  By no means should you turn your back on someone you care about when they need help, but you have to admit, there are a lot of red flags.

     Simply put, it's very hard to think of a reason why any of this would be a good idea for you.  While I admire your ability to be so kind and forgiving after such a terrible episode like the one you mentioned, it really feels like you would be inviting disaster with a deal like this.  Feeling conflicted about it is completely understandable, it's good nature to want to lend a hand to someone in trouble.  But sometimes the affection you still feel towards someone you were close to can cloud your better judgment as to what is actually best in the long run.  Combining close living quarters with the apparent confusion over how you feel about him would essentially be, well, asking for it. 

     If there really is no other option and you do end up going through with this though, then the only real advice I could give would be to make certain things clear from the beginning.  Setting a specific time limitation on how long he stays in your house that you feel is fair and reasonable could be a good thing for the both of you.  Leaving things open ended and ambiguous always leads to arguments that most of the time could have been avoided with a simple talk.

     But before you make a final decision, try to give this some more thought.

Signed,

Chivalry
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/09/even-those-with-the-best-inten.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/09/even-those-with-the-best-inten.php Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:11:29 -0500 The Year Gone By

Dear Chivalry,

     The past year has been chocked full of change, both happy and horrible.  I've lost two important people to me, one, a big, bright spirit who meant so much to me in so many different ways for so long, another whom I enjoyed talking to and teasing, who I was just beginning to get to know in that completely effortless, guards-down familiar way.

     Mourning has been hard work.  It's not easy to understand or control my feelings, or even find the time to sort through them... I feel like one year later, I'm just beginning to define the boundaries of the love and loss and sweet memories and sour missing, sort of like mapping the ocean floor.

     Talking with friends and loves has been my biggest solace, but I worry about being overbearing, seeming too emo or needy, or just not always being able to read where others are at in this process, when talking or joking, looking at pictures or listening to music is hurtful instead of heart warming.

     Thanks for any and all advice - and of course, for just listening patiently.

-- Good Grief

Dear Good Grief,

     I'm sure no one expects you to suffer in silence.  You should always be able to rely on your friends and loved ones for support in hard times.  Dealing with loss can take hold a hold on you in ways unexpected and undesired, so it's easy to feel like you can't control your own despondence.  

     It may be a fairly obvious suggestion, but it could be beneficial for you to try and channel these feelings into some sort of creative output.  Writing, drawing, performance, whatever shape it may take, the therapy that comes with artistic expression could prove invaluable. Of course, it would be up to you to decide if this is an appropriate solution for how you feel, but it could be a useful coping mechanism that can help take some of the weight off of your shoulders.

     I remember listening to a recording of an interview a few years ago.  A radio host was talking to a musician, and for some reason they started to discuss their age and the recent years in their lives.  The host explained that he was about to turn 24 and the musician (who was 25) commented somewhere along the lines of, "23, yeah 23 is a bad year, 24 is great though, just try to put 23 behind you and move on."  You could tell that he was comparing the host's life to his own in a sarcastic but honest way.  For some reason that little comment has always stuck with me as I've compared the past years of my life.  Of course some have been better than others, but usually full of change like you mentioned.  Whenever I hear someone say they've had a bad year though, I always think the same thing: next year will be better.  So try to move on from the past as best you can and know that things will get easier for you, eventually.

     Take care.

Signed,

Chivalry 
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/09/the-year-gone-by.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/09/the-year-gone-by.php Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:01:10 -0500 There Is No Easy Way

Dear Chivalry,

     How do you end a romance with someone you really truly love?

     I love him, I do...  It's just that I know we aren't in it for a lifetime of love and togetherness.  It seems so cliché but I want us to remain good friends.  I want him to know that he can rely on me just as he always has.  We were long distance for two years and are now living in the same city.  It has been two months since we've been 'back together' and I am not feeling the flips in my tummy or sparks when we look into one another's eyes.  Instead I see our differences outweighing our likenesses.  I find myself feeling nostalgic for what we once had and a sickness about how horrible I feel...  He moved back to be with me and has no family or friends in the area.  I just feel awful for having a change of heart.  

XO


Dear XO,

     It would be fairly pointless for me to pretend that I can offer some kind of simple means that will make this situation easier for you.  As I'm sure you are fully aware, absolutely nothing about this is easy.  When you truly care for someone and you find yourself in this position, that time before you actually tell them how you feel, the time you're going through right now, can be incredibly draining both mentally and physically.  The immense and burdensome guilt you carry can feel completely overwhelming.

     I know that it's hard, but try not to beat up on yourself too much.  In so many ways, it's impossible to predict the future of the relationship you're in.  I'm sure that you didn't plan on things working out this way when you made the decision to be together again and live close to one another.  Sometimes our feelings change towards someone whether we want them to or not, and more than often we certainly can't control the timing. 

     Having personally been on both sides of the table, I'm really not sure what is easier.  Most would say being broken up with is obviously harder to handle, but I truly find both to be evenly matched, especially in a case like yours.  I have found though, that the longer you wait on your end, things just become much more difficult.  If you feel you have spent enough time with your thoughts and you've made up your mind that you no longer feel the way you did for him - you should be honest and tell him what's in your heart.  With any luck, he will try to understand where you are coming from and then you can begin to work towards the friendship that you have in mind.  This of course will not be easy either, but continuing on the way things are now sounds much more difficult.

     I hope everything works out for you.

Signed,

Chivalry
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/09/there-is-no-easy-way.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/09/there-is-no-easy-way.php Thu, 10 Sep 2009 00:26:40 -0500 And Guest

Dear Chivalry,

     I've recently been invited to attend the wedding of a pair of dear friends.  As excited as I am for my dear friends, the happy couple (THC), my RSVP does not come without a few reservations of my own.

     The wedding is three hours away and I know very few of THC's other friends.  I am currently single, and therefore have no obvious date.  However, the wedding is in a large town where I know many people and it wouldn't be difficult finding someone to go with me.  The last time I went to a wedding alone, I ended up filling the awkward gaps in conversations with people I was not yet comfortable with, with trips to the complimentary kegs.  This was a blackened-eye disaster.  The prospect of putting myself In a situation like that, but where there will be even less people I am comfortable around, has me fearing the worst. I don't want to end the night passed out in yet another schoolyard - and this time it won't across the street from my house!  

     I have been asking around amongst my (mostly) single friends, and to be honest they haven't been much help (the most cryptic response imploring me "not to bring sand to the beach").  So, Chivalry, what do I do?  Am I the awkward single guy that nobody knows with a wedding-induced drinking problem?  Or am I some reasonably well-composed gentleman that secretly and sadly relies on a wrangler as some kind of an emotional crutch?  Or, the dark horse, option three:  Am I the fella who drops a check in the mail and just doesn't show up?

     Who am I?

Signed,

Tied In Knots

Dear Tied In Knots,

     Let's strike that third option from the running right away.  As you mention from the start, these are dear friends of yours and you really shouldn't miss their wedding based on some easily avoidable insecurities.  So that puts it between bringing a companion or going it alone.  And taking into account your anecdote about your previous solo wedding excursion, I think that makes the choice somewhat obvious. 

     Bringing a friend along is the best possible idea for many reasons, especially for a single person.  The thought of asking an actual date to such a typically awkward setting is more than likely bound for disaster.  So if you are lucky enough to have a willing acquaintance in the area (and it sounds like you do) then ask the favor.  There's nothing wrong with admitting that you would appreciate the support of a friend for something like this, everyone finds themselves in a place like this from time to time. 

     Now I realize the usual expectations that go along with attending a wedding, but why not try to see this as an opportunity to buck tradition and actually enjoy yourself?  Taken at base value you know that you can count on at least three things: there will be dancing to fairly bad but mostly fun music, free food and drink, and by requiring the attendance of your friend, you're assured the opportunity to spend time with at least one person you know and like.  And with the complete absence of the normal pressures that come with a real date, I'd say you're pretty much free to make the absolute best of it.  And who knows - you may just meet someone new as well.

     Try to have fun.

Signed,

Chivalry
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/08/and-guest.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/08/and-guest.php Mon, 31 Aug 2009 22:10:49 -0500 Home Is Where

Dear Chivalry,

     I studied English at the university.  Before that, I lived abroad, like I'd always imagined I was going to.  I traveled a bit; I love traveling.  But now, it sort of bothers me morally to leave my home place in order to wander here and there and, what's worse, it seems to get me nowhere.  Whenever I come back I feel like I've been wasting my time.

     I thought it was my destiny to be an expatriate, but I realize I might as well become an average citizen in the country where I was born.  I've always thought I was bound to live in a foreign country lest I should die of boredom.  I thought I was an explorer, an adventuress, but today I want to take sewing lessons.

     Should I expatriate myself again like I once did?

Mrs. Bean

Dr. Mrs. Bean,

     Having only lived in the country where I was born, I can't say that I completely understand what it's like to be in your position.  I have had the experience of living in a few different cities reasonably far from my home town, and I feel like in some ways that can be comparable.  When I was growing up, the idea of staying put was always somehow correlated with a certain amount of failure.  In order to be considered a success, you had to move away and rise above your former circumstances.  But the more I learn, the more that theory just feels incredibly off.  Success is such a relative concept and can not be defined by something so incidental.

     I've never felt the deep need for travel as many people I've met over the years have.  For some reason it always seemed like a person with the desperate need to leave, to be far away from where they came from, would rely too much on the idea of traveling to solve their problems for them.  That they were, in essence, running away.  That's not to say there isn't value in exploring other places.  It can be just as dangerous to never step outside your comfort zone and see what else the world has to offer.  So it feels like trying to find a healthy balance of travel and implanting some kind of roots could be the best thing to strive for.  A good sign is when you're away from home for a while and you start to miss it.  That feeling of "home", of actually belonging somewhere, can be of infinite value and I would say that those lucky enough to have found that shouldn't take it for granted.

     I couldn't tell you if leaving again would be the right decision for you.  Instead I feel like you should ask yourself, when was the last time you were living somewhere that truly felt like home for you?  It's an important question, and I feel like the answer will help guide you in the right direction.

     Take care.

Signed,

Chivalry  
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/07/home-is-where-1.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/07/home-is-where-1.php Wed, 15 Jul 2009 03:17:12 -0500 Podcast Now Available

Dear Readers,

     As you might have noticed, for each entry on Chivalry there is a short list of recommendations meant to supplement each response.  Something I try to keep consistent across the board is providing a playlist of ten songs relevant to the question being asked.  Newly added to the site is the ability to "podcast" each playlist.  You can still stream the audio in your browser by clicking the play button directly above the track list.  But now, should you want to download the collection of songs into your iTunes, simply click "Subscribe To Podcast" in the upper right column. 

     I'd also like to thank everyone who has written in so far, I appreciate you sharing your questions and I hope that the answers have been helpful.  And to anyone looking to send in a question you can click on "Submit An Inquiry" to fill out a form and remain anonymous, or you can also email directly to: dearchivalry@gmail.com. 

     Looking forward.

Signed,

Chivalry
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/04/chivalry-podcast-now-available.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/04/chivalry-podcast-now-available.php Sat, 18 Apr 2009 23:15:47 -0500 Simple Correspondence

Dear Chivalry,

    I am in love with my penpal.  We met several years ago, and then parted ways and have corresponded from opposite sides of the country ever since.  Our relationship has never been romantic - we've been friends, cheering one another on through school and work, love and heartbreak.  But really I've been head-over-heels for him since the day we met.  I have no idea if he does, or did, feel the same way.

    After going through a couple failed relationships, I find myself wondering if my penpal could ever be more-than-a.  He might be coming to visit me this summer and I'm thinking about telling him how I feel.

    Is there a way to tell him without risking our friendship?  Without pressuring or scaring him?  Is it foolish to even consider this when we live so far apart?  He is one of the best people I've ever known, and I can't stand the thought of making things strained or awkward between us.

Sigh,

Pining Penpal

Dear Pining Penpal,

    As I'm sure you know, you're not the first person to find yourself here.  So you can take comfort in the fact that you belong to a fairly large club of the nervous, the unsure, and usually, the wonderful, that countless authors and film makers have chosen to cast as their main character to tell a love story.  At one point, I was in a fairly similar place and I made the decision to just get it over with and lay my cards on the table.  And honestly, in the end it all paid off in the best possible way for me.  What's more, I can say without questions that I felt significantly better just for having gotten what I desperately needed off of my chest.

    First off, I'm going to venture a guess and say that if it has been several years and you've felt this way since the day you met him, then he probably has at least some idea of your feelings.  And on that note, if you say that you have no idea of how he sees you, then it's completely possible that he might feel the same way towards you with the same worries that you have.  This is what I hope can help take some of the pressure off that you seem to be worried about.  I know this can all be very nerve-racking and that you don't want to damage what you have if his feelings don't reflect yours.  But if you continue on like this, it's safe to say that things will stay right where they are, with no real chance of progressing to an even better place.  As far as making things strained or awkward, you could say that it in at least one regard, it already is.  If you've been holding something like this in for such a long time, then it's very hard for this to be a completely healthy relationship.  So I think in some ways you might actually risk your friendship more by not telling him. 

    I don't think I can give you a specific strategy for how to go about actually telling him, I think you're the only one who is going to know what to say.  But I can say you that you are definitely on the right path already.  In person is always the best way, and if he is planning on visiting you this summer, then your idea of doing it then is perfect.  Try and make your best effort to look forward to this, instead of stressing over it... I know, not easy.  And when you see him and the moment is right, and you finally let him know how you feel, be completely honest and try not to hold back too much.  If you feel the need to explain the concerns that you've brought up here, I'd say feel free to do so.  The more you get out what needs to be said, the better.  Lastly, try not to worry about the distance.  If it is meant to be, then things like that will work themselves out.  What's important now is to tell him how you feel, and see what happens from there.

    I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Signed,

Chivalry
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/04/a-simple-correspondence-1.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/04/a-simple-correspondence-1.php Thu, 09 Apr 2009 02:29:03 -0500 Night Shift

Dear Chivalry,

     I am a nurse who works only nights, and a lot of weekends so it can be hard to meet people.  Do you have any suggestions for how to meet people while working my strange / annoying schedule?

Sincerely,

Insomniac

Dear Insomniac,

     I have to say from the start, the idea in general of setting out with the specific purpose of meeting people troubles me.  I've always found such an approach to feel rather forced.  It seems that the best things come about naturally without any sort of motivated effort.  Now, I know that it's not something you want to hear, but it's often said that as soon as you stop looking, that's when you'll find it.  The concept is beyond frustrating, but it may be best above all to just try and clear your mind of it, remain open to the possibility, and only put yourself in situations where you feel comfortable.

     But then again, I suppose there's nothing wrong with being proactive!  There are certain modern methods people who find themselves in your position utilize, of which I'm sure you're aware.  And although I've never personally experienced online dating, an increasing number of people seem to use it now.  So, it might be worth investigating.  This way you can be clear about things right from the beginning with the information you provide.  It's an honest and upfront way of explaining why you've decided to take the online approach.  As far as which sites you should look into, I'm not exactly sure.  A new one seems to pop up every other day, but I can imagine that there might even be a site specifically for people working in health care.  A simple internet search should get you started and you can decide if this feels like the right idea for you.

     And when you do meet someone worthwhile, I'm sure they will be more than willing to compromise and work around your strange / annoying schedule.

Signed,

Chivalry

(And always do your laundry at a laundromat.)]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/03/night-shift.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/03/night-shift.php Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:28:34 -0500 Just A Friend

Dear Chivalry,

     Is there such a thing as platonic cuddling?

Signed,

Sleepless in Seattle

Dear Sleepless,

     The obvious answer is of course, yes, such a thing occurs.  It is possible for two people to be affectionate towards each other with the absence of sexual intention.  But I get the feeling your question is more whether or not it is possible for it to remain completely chaste.  And that's where things become, as I'm sure you know, a bit more complicated.

     I try to think of it in very basic terms:  There are some things that you do with friends and then there are some things you do with your boyfriend and / or girlfriend.  And while some of these things may overlap, "gently touching each other while laying down" tends to fall into the second category. Any time there is intimate physical interaction, it's bound to bring up certain connotations that come with being in a relationship, no matter how casual it might be.  Even when your intentions are purely innocent, you still run the very high risk of someone getting the wrong idea or having their feelings hurt in the end.

     Also, I feel it might be best to avoid things that help to develop the part of your persona that can detach emotionally from an intimate situation.  You should save this kind of interaction to share with someone that you truly care about as more than just a friend.

     Be smart.

Signed,

Chivalry
]]> http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/02/things-you-already-know.php http://www.g-rad.org/chivalry/2009/02/things-you-already-know.php Mon, 16 Feb 2009 02:59:30 -0500