SETTLERS
i heard the author of this article being interviewed on npr last week. i definitely appreciate her sentiments. basically, the gist is that women in particular should "settle" for a man that will make a great husband and father, as opposed to holding out for the man of their dreams (i.e., great husband/father material, wildly attractive, and a total turn-on). this article provides one answer to the "why tie the knot?" question i posed last august.
the article confirms a few things that i suspected to be true for quite some time now:
1. marriage is way more about creating a life partnership and a stable environment for child rearing than passion. in the wise words of mother franco: marriage is a contract, veronica, not a perpetual tryst.
2. marriage is increasingly obsolete for people that are comfortable with sex outside marriage, don't want to have children (or are happy raising them alone), and/or don't particularly want a life partner.
3. you're less likely to be disappointed if you go in to a marriage - really, any romantic relationship - with the understanding that it will NOT be a real-life extension of every romantic comedy you've ever seen. it's highly unlikely that one person is going to be able to help you raise children, complement you emotionally and spiritually, and get you off every night.
4. i am as cynical as a forty-year-old single mother.
Comments
duped! i thought this was going to be a settlers of catan entry. and i'd say i'm cynical but i'm also just a boy.
Posted by: kevin | February 16, 2008 6:26 PM
haha! gotcha!
Posted by: sally | February 16, 2008 10:31 PM
So like if a guy has a lot of sheep, wheat and has a good reserve of bricks, does that make him a good potential life-partner? I was never very good at settlers, I didn't even know marriage was an option in the game!
Posted by: Anthony | February 18, 2008 3:37 PM
i'm looking for a man with ore, yo.
Posted by: sallly | February 19, 2008 11:41 PM
you have some interesting views on marriage, i read your august entry (for reference). when raising children, like you said, you're making a commitment towards a stable situation for a kid to grow up in. i feel like we as adults would also like to be in a relationship where there is an understood level of commitment. i think you feel the same way as i do, and value this type of relationship from what i've gathered from reading how a life partner without a marriage title is relevant to you. but i'd like to point out how having accountability can make that relationship more stable and enriching. in marriage, you present yourself to another person and say that you will care for them and be with them through good times and bad times, however you are saying this to each other in front of people who are special to the two of you. by pledging your commitment to each other, publicly/privately like this, i think is a really good thing.
i understand your cynicism as well, and i think that's where marriage could be defined differently for you, so that you could make it your own rather than a societal obligation (i.e. more realistic to your existence in your personal life and how diverse cultural norms are now). since you aren't close to your extended family (which is how it is for me as well as i don't even know my mom's side of the family). and if having the government or the church recognize a partnership you have (if those things aren't important to you) then at least, i think you'd want to have some sort of event (whether it's just the two of you, a small group, or a decent sized gathering of people) to show each other how you feel and to say what you hope to do together through your relationship (as i think any relationship can be pretty stale when you aren't active with the things around the two of you)
i think of marriage more about celebrating the joys and challenges of making an intense commitment to someone. just some stuff to think about.
Posted by: Brad | March 1, 2008 4:43 PM
hi brad! you're nice! thanks for posting. points well taken. i think what i react to most is the blissful romantic anticipation that folks, particularly women, seem to have regarding weddings and marriage. (anticipation that throws a lack of interest in academics and career into sharp relief.) it's interesting though: there's really only one person that i might've married had he (or i, i suppose) asked. i think back on our relationship and think i might've just said yes, because why not commit to spending the rest of my life with him? so perhaps my negativity towards marriage is because i never got over that relationship. or maybe it's the fact that i'm terrified by the fact that i might've married someone i couldn't have a functional relationship with. i don't know. hmmm... this isn't really a relevant comment anymore.... (rabbit trails, rabbit trails)
Posted by: sally | March 4, 2008 2:08 AM