The Adventures of Sally Tomato, Cosmonaut

Unfortunately, the same genes that gave me a lovely head of curls also gave me a body pretty much covered with unwanted hair. The same people that are moved to pet my head in public would undoubtedly be disgusted by the sight of my naked, furry body.

Thanks to the Vagina Monologues, we're all really comfortable talking about the big V. (If mine were to get dressed, it might wear trousers and a half-Windsor-knotted necktie.) The thing I don't think any woman is comfortable talking about yet is her unwanted body hair.

Yes, I called it "unwanted". I really wish I were enough of a feminist to want my unwanted hair. But what woman wants hair on her chin, neck, nipples, stomach, and/or bikini line? I have yet to meet a woman so convicted about thwarting mainstream body image ideals that she sports the fringe with a bathing suit.

Since I was but a lass, I have been teased fairly mercilessly about my hair. The first person to notice the excess was my friend's cute older brother. He was 14 and I was nine or 10, and he commented on my thick, dark leg hair. So I started shaving. It struck me as a little odd that he also had leg hair, but no matter, I just knew I wasn't supposed to.

When I was 16, I decided to stop shaving my legs and armpits. My dad was really upset; he felt it demonstrated "poor hygiene". My mother agreed, but felt that not shaving was poor hygiene for men too. Men should definitely shave their armpits, she argued. Dad threatened to take me off the car insurance if I didn't start shaving again. Mom, logically, realized that, should her supposition that excess body hair traps odours be correct, she'd be stuck driving my stinky, hairy ass around. She put the kibosh on the argument with, "Artie! If your daughter wants to look like a hairy gorilla, fine!"

There are some serious gender and - dare I say it - race/ethnicity issues at work here. At least in America, it's totally OK for men to have hair wherever they want it. Yeah, sure, there are guys who trim their business, but I think that's only because it makes the package look bigger. The only hair men aren't really allowed to have is back hair, and even then society often lets that slide. I mean, sure, we'll all quietly grossed out by the guy in the pool with back hair, but he just doesn't cause the stir that a woman with the pubic equivalent of Bozo the Clown would.

In terms of race/ethnicity, here's a newsflash: people that do not come from Northern/Western European backgrounds have more hair than those who do. The same way we got four times as much hair as you on our head is the same way we got it on other parts of our bodies.

If you are a N/W European descended person, you may have also noticed that your friends of colour have darker, coarser hair than you. Our body hair... also darker and coarser. Surprise!

I don't really get our society's preoccupation with hairlessness. Most of us don't live in a warm climate where hair traps all kinds of bodily scents. Even if we did, god knows Americans shower like constantly. Nor do we live in ancient Egypt where lice are a big issue.

I'm really shy about my facial hair. Especially with men, because I know they pretty much all find it unattractive. My most positive facial hair experience was with my friend Sean, who noticed it while we were at Steak and Shake one night. His face lit up with realization and he said excitedly, "Do you have hair on your chin?" I said, "Yes", shyly, feeling embarrassed. He reached out and touched my face.

For years, I couldn't figure out where the hair on my chin and neck came from. My mother, from whom I inherited nipple hair and what I refer to as my "happy highway", has no facial hair. A few years ago, when I was visiting Grandmommy in D.C. I noticed hair removal cream in her cupboards. I asked her about it, and she said she used it on her face. I looked and, sure enough, she had tiny white and silver curls on her face and neck.

i can't get enough of these bags. finally! a $400 bag i can feel good about buying.

the segregation in grand rapids is really starting to wear on me. along with potholes and an impossibly shitty economy, it makes me want to move. i realized recently that the ymca is really the only place i go where there is any significant degree of racial/ethnic and socio-economic diversity. oh and possibly the library.

i am really getting sick of this shit. i really don't want to have to start applying some kind of affirmative action to my social life, but i think i'm going to have to. i'm just getting so tired. i'm tired of strangers touching my hair. i'm tired of being a novelty (particularly for men)... mostly, though i'm tired of finding myself in socially awkward situations/teachable moments because of the ignorance of white friends and co-workers.

i know what you're gonna say: you should bring the diversity, be the change you want to see... well, i'm sorry, but fuck that. this may make me a small person, but i don't want to be anyone's teacher. we're not talking about children from zeeland asking "why are you brown?", we're talking about people in their 20s with graduate degrees should know better managing to embarass me in public -- usually with ill-conceived "humour" or trying to prove how "down with the people" they are.

here's a hint: if there's only one black person present, they may not want to hear you:

a) joke about "black people time", "jungle fever", or soul food
b) talk about how you're the "blackest white person" or "whitest black person" they'll ever meet
c) present uninformed and/or non-academic opinions on the legacy of slavery
d) quote chris rock or chapelle's show

i didn't really think this would bother me this much. i grew up in a white neighborhood. i even like casseroles. the thing is, in a predominantly white area, you kind of expect to be misunderstood. you expect a certain degree of ignorance since you probably are the first real live black or hispanic person your neighbor has ever met. but you'd think that in a city that statistically speaking is fairly diverse, there would be more understanding. not so. still many of my close friends, past boyfriends, and current coworkers have managed to make me feel alienated, embarrassed, or put on the spot.