late night rant about surnames
i'm feeling angry about women feeling like they have to take their husband's names when they get married. i think it's appalling. yet everyone i talk to about this seems relatively unbothered by this.
i'm going to bitch about that for a while now. i'm suddenly so annoyed by this that i can't sleep.
tonight i spoke with a woman who wasn't planning on changing her name, then did because "she'd never seen her husband get so emotional". she had planned to keep her name, which indicated her italian heritage, but she gave it up. she's changing her middle name to her maiden name. there are now only 9 people across the u.s. that have her original last name.
(even the term "maiden name"! what the fuck is that?! the name that you had before you had sex? the name you lose now that your-sexual-partner-for-life owns you?)
i can see changing your name if your husband has a really awesome last name, and you've never liked yours. i've occasionally thought of "trading up" my last name for a hispanic last name, since my current one says nothing about my ethnicity. i just don't understand the view (which my mother holds) that changing your last name to his is your duty when starting a new family. yeah, i get that it's nice to have a new name for your new family, but why does it always have to be his? why is it obvious that the man shouldn't give up his name?
(after 30 years of marriage, my father is divorcing my mother. she has had his name for longer than she had her own. she's not changing it back. we're still a family because of me, and she wants us all to share a name.)
this article was interesting. not sure i actually agree, but whatevs.
another issue here for me is ownership. i got my last name from my father, and his family most likely got their britishy last names from a slaveowner. my current surname is already a product of subjugation, i'm not changing it for another repressive institution (because i'm soooo likely to get married).
i am a little bummed out that my neither my first name nor my last indicate anything about my hispanic heritage. my first name is practically devoid of ethnicity, being virtually unpronounceable in most major languages.
i have no idea why i'm so angry about this. after watching my parents divorce and observing my friend's relationships, i just feel like men really don't always appreciate what women give up to be their girlfriends, wives, and mothers. and i'm pissed that social norms (not to mention religion) perpetuate this. how often do you hear of men moving because their wife got a job? changing their name to their wife's on wedding day? waiting patiently alone indefinitely because their girlfriend took a job in another state, and they're just waiting to be with them? leaving their jobs because they wanted children? rarely.
i'm cranky. i'm going to read my book.
Comments
i very much like this.. i feel like i have to say to it but not well thought enough to write right now. i encourage you to read this, though, i feel it's somewhat related
http://www.ballerstatus.com/article/editorialscolumns/2007/04/2480/
Posted by: kolin | May 9, 2008 1:22 AM
I kind of wanted to take my fiance's last name, mostly I just wanted to make up a new one completely. Weaver is about a 9.5 on the boring factor...
Posted by: Cory Weaver | May 9, 2008 8:59 AM
This was very well-written. There has been a lot of "feminist debate" on campus lately about issues that I thought were not important (most specifically, closing the gym to men for a couple of hours so the women can use it) but you pointed out how something so accepted in society says so much more about gender inequality.
Posted by: Jes | May 9, 2008 10:23 AM
when my friends sev and ellen got married, they kept their own last names, but took each others' surnames as middle names.
i always liked that.
Posted by: buckshot | May 9, 2008 11:29 AM
ruth this is great-
a very relevant issue just like the one you wrote about unwanted hair- and i love it. you should submit to venus zine or something.
Posted by: emma | May 9, 2008 12:47 PM
also- on a similar note i get really pissed about men taking up mental and physical space just because they can. like talking really loud on the train or spreading their legs so that you can barely fit on the seat next to them or always inserting their opinion in class because they must be heard and they are used to being heard... aaaaargh!!
Posted by: emma | May 9, 2008 12:52 PM
emma--
great comment. i've never even thought about that before! the same things that make them yell, "can i hit that?" at women are probably responsible. there's this really interesting this american life where this woman takes a how to be a man class. it was really interesting to learn about how men use space in a way that is totally different than (most) women. you can check this episode out here: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1117
Posted by: sally | May 9, 2008 7:50 PM
re: sev and ellen
that's a nice idea. i've never heard of that before. i like the idea of moving it to the middle name because people have more control over their middle names than their other names. some people actually use them as first names, other people never say them out loud. good tip.
Posted by: sally | May 9, 2008 7:52 PM
i'm quickly becoming obsessed with the way men use space...
Posted by: sally | May 9, 2008 7:55 PM
thanks for the link to this article, kolin!
Posted by: sally | May 9, 2008 7:59 PM
sally,another great post. i argue that from an extremely early age we are socialized into gendered roles (and any number of other roles, for good and ill) -- take a look at baby clothes for instance. baby clothing for infants is printed with phrases such as "princess" or "pretty" and boys' clothing is printed with phrases such as "rocket scientist." it makes me sad and angry that we as a society accept that this is the "way it always has been" and don't give much thought to the ways in which this is reified in our culture -- hell, we're paying for it (not me, but some parents).
you raise the right issues, if you make a decision on the surname issue -- let it be your decision, not what is expected of you.
Posted by: nateinkzoo | May 12, 2008 2:03 PM
Sally/Ruth,
This post reminds me why I miss talking to you!
I cannot begin to tell you how much I agree with what you're getting at here. Good work.
Posted by: Tricia | May 15, 2008 1:03 PM
Several months ago in the break room at work a discussion started about one employee's upcoming marriage and how she's (25) taking her fiancé's name but her sister (28) recently hyphenated her name since she wants people to link the stuff she published (academic) before and after marriage to her.
A guy (32) then said, "I never would have let my wife do that." We were all in good spirits and he said that in a jovial manner, but we instantly gave him shit and he had to back pedal. "Let her, Fred?" His argument was the one about marriage being a new family coming together.
It was suggested that the couple both change their names to something new and he said he'd be okay with that, but personally wouldn't want to do that...and since he didn't want it and his wife had to have the same name (since she's his property after all- you have to brand your property with an iron, ring and/or name), he wouldn't let her do that. But in theory he agreed.
I think a vestigial structure that we try to explain away with history/culture, but fuck that. It's your name and identity, do what YOU want with it. Plus, fuck marriage, but you know...
Posted by: (k)evan | May 16, 2008 9:33 AM