You used the word "belief" about 2 million times in that post, which probably means that your suspicion's justified and the word's a fish of some sort, or at least doesn't really mean a whole lot, whether simpliciter or in its coy, reflected "belief in belief in" form. If "non-believer" is your ultimate epithet, "bloody belief" must come in a close second, this dense, utterly impenetrable thing of thought that can only be enjoyed by cows and coworkers and the mob (but not me); some twisted chimera of psychological state and metaphysical posit that you reckon'll sop-up the gaping wound of self-consciousness once and for all. One hears "If only I could choose not to believe" almost as often as "I want to believe." Both implicitly divide the prospect for action from the knowledge that would precipitate action; a possible outcome of which, that one ends up exerting far more energy reminding oneself that what one knows isn't and never will be The Real Thing than preparing oneself, or improving one's acquaintance with the subject, or in general suffering the "want" ever really to influence the "belief." I think your earlier instinct was probably right: beguiled (or gratified) by the apparent freedom of protracting the suspense indefinitely, an activity sustained in part by this indistinct idea of conformity against which you'd exercise all the sorry pleasures of eccentricity and loneliness and whatever else, you're holding out for the spirit to overwhelm you, ravish you; or otherwise for someone or something else to make your goddamn godman decision for Christ. The "lust" model of faith, in other words. It's been known to work. Maybe you should read some Donne, or something. Or convert to bourgie Buddhism.

Sally- it sounds like you'd be into some feminist theology, if you haven't read it yet. I'm trying to think of the name of the one good one I read. I'll get back to you with the name.

ah yes- here it is.

Heart of Flesh: A Feminist Spirituality for Women and Men (Kindle Edition)
By Joan Chittister

actually i think it was this one:

women and spirituality by carol ochs

Thank you, Jeff, for your insightful, if comma spliced comment. (I'm suddenly having a flashback to college where a particularly clever philosophy student answered a question about postmodern architecture by reading a 30-minute excerpt from Baudelaire's collected works aloud to us. I digress...)

I do use the word "belief" about two million times. Well spotted, that. I was concerned about conflating "belief" and "faith", and I was too lazy to look up another synonym. "Bloody belief" is an "in joke" - with myself, sadly - that refers to both an earlier post where I speculate on God's menses, as well as suggested etymologies for "bloody" as epithet. (Hah! Hilariousness!)

I personally hear "I want to believe" far, far more than "If only I could stop believing", but this could be because I am working my way through the entire X-Files series. I would agree that "I want to believe" as a lifestyle is a bit of a cop out, but as a momentary lament for the easy road not taken (e.g., belief without questioning, literal interpretation of all Scripture), I think it's perfectly valid.

See this is the crux of the thing, man: I'm not sure one *can* "make a decision" for Christ. I'm not sure belief is the direct result of any decision, or if it's just a byproduct of a series of information inputs.

After attending a Black, charismatic church for many years, the spirit has its work cut out for it if it plans to overwhelm me into a state of whole-hearted believing.

Unfortunately, I don't find Buddhism - "bourgie" or otherwise - mutually inconsistent with Christianity, so I don't think conversion would get me too far. I have never read Donne. Recommendation noted.

--Sally

P.S. It's a daily struggle to cultivate coy, eccentricity, and apparent lonliness. I'm delighted that it's finally started coming through in my writing. --Sally

hey this is a very interesting article!

fmfQAH