I don't know why, but sometimes, coming home for the night, from the bar, or a party or wherever, I look in the mirror and look different. I think that my image changes rapidly. Most of this is due to fluctuations in self-image, so that mornings when I think I look like shit I assume my brain is playing tricks on me. I assume I look as I always do: a meshing of my best and worst. Sometimes its different. I looked at myself today and I looked younger. The face in my reflection looked scared and teenage and oddly innocent, and it is still frightening me too long after I put a towel over the mirror. Maybe my disconect with my physical self is getting larger. I have tried before to express how "lydia" is not actually me, but my representation. In this way my face is a representation of me, but has nothing to do with me. If this were true, though, why would seeing myself differently cause such a shock? It seems like I am really worried that my inner self is expressed through my appearance. That seeing my face shocked and pale made me realize how I feel. That maybe I feel small and that I can't say what I mean when I want to. I always thought when I was younger that being silent was a virtue. That the less I said the better, because then I couldn't say anything stupid. More and more I'm falling into a place where I can't say anything when I should.
Lydia is a totally unqualified reviewer of restaurants, markets, and recipes. She reads cookbooks and fights a daily struggle against filth in her kitchen.