Winter Cuddle
By Lydia on January 16, 2009 11:37 PM| | Comments (2)
Its been so long. So long without sun and grass. No bikes, no walks, no tomatoes. Getting in the shower a terror with wet hair so quickly frozen, and every time I steel myself and leave my house, hit by frigid air, I wonder why anyone lives in a place so forbidding. Gradually, I cut corners to avoid cold, and the people that become so much more terrifying the further I sink into my predictable winter tomb. No more parties and no more leaving my house after dark for anything less than familial or occupational obligation. Since my radiator started bleeding, causing my landlord to disconnect it, no more leaving my blanket shelter, balancing warmth and my need to eat every so often to retain my hibernatory layer of flesh.

Every year this happens. Every year I see it coming, and every year I freeze, all my plans and contingencies forgotten like all absurd resolutions. For how can I fix myself? I gave up smoking, and hence, pneumonia, but maybe that was my body getting itself a much needed vacation from all the things I cannot face in tundra months. Now all I can do is give up shifts whenever I can, and hope no one notices how in the winter I am not even so much flaky as absent. 

Forcing myself to get up, to get dressed, to feed the cats, to feed myself, these are things I can manage. I am not crazy, I am not deficient. The bigger things, though, caring about music or news, or not picking fights with my boyfriend, are harder to manage.

I have some intense cravings lately. I have literally dreamt of kale. I am reminded of reading "My Side of the Mountain" as a child, struck by Sam's overwhelming desire for liver as he is cleaning a deer. He eats it with a satisfaction I could almost tase, and says maybe some part of him knew he needed that organ's nutrients. I am reluctant to give my body such credit in its numbed state, but liver sound fucking awesome right now.

Sometimes I think about spring, that first unreal day when the air gets soft. Its that day I feel a new year, and something inside me wells up and believes. If I am honest, now I don't. I can't really imagine anything ever being okay again, ever being warm. I have some kind of blind faith- probably the closest I ever got to religion.

I haven't been out to eat in ages, my menu day to day is kale and dal heavy. So I am going on a trip. The month of February Ted and I will be touring the South. I hope to recover from my stupor, and delight you all with witticisims from the Road.
XX
lydia

If only I knew how, there would be HTML for style.

Can you remember back and give us more of Russia? I'd take that, if your present life issues no kernels to chew on.

P.S. Call the landlord!

We had 2 days of BAD days with 14 degrees. This reminded me why I think I would die if I had to move back up north. Today, sunny and 50s. Not warm but not cold! C'mon down!
We are hoping you might really take a road trip and that you may get as far as Arkansas. Would love to have you.
Hugs