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Not on strippers

I ordered a camera on Sunday. At 7:45 last night I got a phone call from the 718 area code. I answered it and a too-friendly New Yorker started a conversation.

TFNY: Hello, is this Kevin?
K: Yes, hello?
TFNY: Hi there Kevin. How are you doing?
K: I'm alright, how are you?
TFNY: Oh, I'm good. So yeah, how was your day?
K: Uhh, well-
TFNY: Was it long? Sounds like it was long.
K: Yeah, it was quite long actually.
TFNY: Well, I hate to bug you but this is Chris from
K: Oh, right. Yeah, I just ordered a camera from you.
CFCFCDC: Yeah, that's right and I just need to verify your billing address.
K: Okay, it's...
CFCFCDC: Great, and can you tell me who Kevin T!mmer in Allendale is?
K: Umm, well. That's me. I wanted it shipped to my work. I'm not around when UPS arrives.
CFCFCDC: You'll have to clear that with your Credit Card company.
K: Okay, you can just ship it to my billing address.
CFCFCDC: Great. That'll be great, we'll get that shipped tonight.
K: Thanks.
CFCFCDC: Hey Kevin. Do you know what was in your package?
K: Well, I remember there was a, uh-
CFCFCDC: Right, well your package came with a 20 minute battery and...(blah blah) You know, for just $50 we can put a 3 hour battery in there.
K: Thanks, but my friend was going to give me his battery. I-
CFCFCDC: Oh, but does he have the right model? I bet he has the T1. You ordered the T7, remember. You'll need the right battery for the right model.
K: Yeah, well I don't really have the money. I just got this money and was going to spend it on this camera, I really can't afford anything else right now.
CFCFCDC: It's only $50, okay. Just don't go spending it on strippers now.
K: Ha, no, I won't.
CFCFCDC: Haha, I'm just kidding with you man. I'll tell you what. For $39 I'll get you the 3 hour battery and upgrade your shipping to 3 day.
K: Well, I don't know. I really don't-
CFCFCDC: C'mon, this is a bargain. It'll be at your house by Friday!
K: Only $39 for the battery and the shipping upgrade?
CFCFCDC: Yeah, exactly. A bargain.
K: Well, okay, that'll be fine I guess.
CFCFCDC: Great. We'll have that battery in there and get this shipped to you ASAP, my man. You have a great night.
K: Thanks.

Why do you think I bought the fucking thing on the internet? I hate you slimy salespeople. I don't want to upgrade. I bought from you because it was cheap on froogle! I planned on taking care of that later, from someone else. Thanks for calling me on the phone while I'm eating peanuts at a steakhouse! (Actually yeah, thanks for that...a diversion was nice) I need some assertiveness!


next time, fake a seizure and hang up.

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