Song lyric about finding old notes
I've been going through the boxes of pictures, souvenirs, magazines and other trinkets I've gotten from trips and have just accumulated over the years, preparing to thrash them. I've moved these boxes from my parents' house, to my dorm rooms, to my apartments downtown, just adding to the clutter and not really looking at what's in them. I know what's in them and am always thinking, "One day I'll organize those photos," or "I should throw out all that shit that I collected." I've thrown away two boxfuls (I don't think that's a word, but maybe it is) already. But I've re-organized and kept a lot. In looking through these things, I found a note.
I dated a girl a year older than me from the summer before sophomore year until Homecoming my senior year. Without getting into it, I'll just say that we had a tumultuous relationship (starting when she dumped me because I was stupid enough to subconsciously check out another girl in front of her). We broke up several times and eventually got back together right after she graduated. She went to Alma in the fall and I was no longer interested in dating her. I helped her move in, but I never visited her. Yes, I was a shitty boyfriend. But she had done some...I won't get into it here. So, after a while, she told me about a charming guy named Brandon who looked like Prince. This guy had a crush on her and was kind of annoying, but funny. She visited me one weekend in mid-September and gave me a note from Brandon.
To Whom it May Concern1:
I wish that I could say that I do not hold any feelings of jealousy or bitterness toward you, but as I am sure you are aware, such is not the case. You may or may not realize this, but I have a relatively good grasp of your relationship with our mutual friend Holly; while that understanding is based purely upon details related to me from Holly herself, which naturally do contain some degree of bias. Any discrepencies [sic] in details as I describe them to you are to be taken up with Holly, as I cede any responsibility for them.
That said, I'll move to my first point: your girlfriend is, as I'm sure you are aware,
an a profoundly exceptional human being; a rare find, to be sure. Aside from being absurdly beautiful, she is also charming, kind, fun to be around, intelligent, an exceptional conversationalist, and her loyalty to you is beyond compare2 (I am sure that it is not difficult to surmise how I know THAT one). If you are not aware of any of these facts, then you are simply a fool.
Which brings me to my next point: as far as Holly is concerned, you are not demonstrating any appropriate level of
a awareness or appreciation of these (or any of the many other) qualities that Holly possesses. This is completely unacceptable. In fact, as far as I am concerned, you simply do not deserve to be with her in the least. As much as I would like to be, I am not her lover; you are3. However, even though I may treat her as4 slightly better and hold her in slightly hight higher regard than any of my other friends, I have found that the way I treat her is something she is completely unaccustomed to in her relationship with you. At the risk of sounding arrogant, my paltry compliments and flirtations have more or less captivated her.5
i informing you of this as a warning. You may not be all too concerned about Holly's happiness, but I am. She is in love with you (much to my chagrin) and I write this to plead with you that you take a greater interest in her welfare and happiness. As it stands, I treat her better than you do, and I'm sure you can glean from all of this that it is only a matter of time before she realizes for herself that I would treat her like a queen, while you are scarcely aware of her existence. These are things the way I see them. For your own sake, prove me wrong.
Another note written on a white printer page, as an afterthought
P.S. As a foot note to that whole tirade, I just want to make something perfectly clear: It is absolutely
IMPERITA IMPERATIVE that you stay with Holly. Even though I may believe that I am the better man between the two of us, and even though just being near her drives me mad because I know that I cannot have her, the fact of the matter still remains that she loves you. While I cannot possibly agree with her reasoning here, I must respect the fact fact that she would be happier with you than with me. If the thought ever crossed your mind to leave her, take a good hard fucking look and just think about what you would be throwing away.6
1He opens up by being a real asshole
2Looks like he's listed the traits in descending order of truth
3A freshman in college is much more mature and experienced than my HS senior self, calling my girlfriend my "lover"
4Looks like he changed his mind. Did he "Treat her 'as good'?" Oh wait, no. He treated her "slightly better".
5Maybe because I wanted to break up with her and you were obviously treating her better
6What? A Jäger peddler?
I laughed when I read it and she was upset. A week later I wrote her a plain, boring e-mail (containing only "miss ya" in the way of sentiment) immediately after she sent one that poured her heart out to me. She mistook my e-mail as a reply and fired back an angry letter criticizing me, my friends, my attitude, my unappreciative nature, etc. I replied with an angry mail back saying "it's over". The next day she called, talking to me as if nothing had happened. She then immediately read my e-mail and was confused and hurt and crying- insisting that she didn't send it. She blamed it on Brandon, saying he must have seen her type in her password and did this to sabotage us. (A year earlier there was another hacked e-mail account incident that I'm sure she orchestrated...) I pretended to believe her and a few weeks later she came to Homecoming with me and I hardly danced with her. We broke up in my parents' driveway, in her car.
So I found the note and thought of how there was no way of me knowing much about this guy back then. I just wondered. (The web wasn't what it is now) So I googled him tonight. I found that he was in a fraternity at Alma (and is a pretty good-looking guy). I saw that he traveled to Portugal on some Baker College page. I also saw that he was in a swimming accident in 2003 that left him paralyzed below the chest and went to Portugal to undergo an experimental procedure called Olfactory Stem Cell Transplant.
Holy shit! I'm thinking about finding his e-mail and genuinely asking how he's doing. Maybe I'll ask Holly. Maybe I'll talk to my band teacher I have nightmares about. The moral of the story: I am and always will be a coward. And nice guys finish last.