Den jäkla snömannen
I'm incredibly ashamed of myself. Yesterday was another Sunday at work that saw me with few calls, no ambition to read and a desire to go home early. I was going stir crazy and unsatisfied with my fruit-only diet weekend. It was time for lunch and I went downstairs to the staff fridge to pick up my Blue Goodness drink. Being the weekend there are often food items in the fridge left over from the week with stickers tagged on Fridays by the custodians. If the food remains in the fridge until next Friday, they throw it out. I spied an old-looking blue Tupperware container of lasagna. It looked like it had been there a few days and I considered taking it.
So I took the container, looked around and went up the elevator. (I'd put my sandal in the door so I could quickly get back on after getting my juice.) I got off the top floor and noticed people outside so I quickly went into an empty conference room and ate a couple pieces of the lasagna using the knife I intended to eat my orange with. After a couple bites I decided I'd put the food back or eat the rest later and that I should go outside and join my fellow former classmates. I closed the lid on the container and put it on the floor under a chair. As I walked toward the outside door I heard someone say my name. I turned around and saw a co-worker (one I trained with) coming toward me. We'll call her Andrea.
"I just saw someone take my lunch. Was it you?"
"Look, I'm really sorry. Yeah, it was me. I have no excuse and this is really weird, but I thought someone wasn't going to eat it. I didn't have much food for my lunch, but I'm so sorry."
"Umm, why would you do that? That's the second time someone stole my lunch now."
'What other degenerate would steal lunches? I don't know if I'm happy or disturbed that I'm not alone.'
"I know, it doesn't make sense. I don't have any money on me, but I'll give you money for the food. I'm really sorry."
"No, it's just... That's my food. We just bought a house and don't have much money and that was my only food for the day."
"Look, it's not gone and this is so weird and I can't apologize enough."
"There's still some left? Can you give it to me?"
I led her into the conference room and pulled the container out. She got a weird expression on her face.
"I took a bite and then felt guilty and was going to return it after I finished eating my lunch."
"Alright. Well..." and she went back downstairs.
I went outside and didn't know what to say to the others, who didn't know, and ate in near-silence. I cringed at the thought of it going around that I'm "the lunch stealer" and how people wouldn't be able to trust me. A group left and another co-worker came in and I told him I had to confess to him before it got around. He laughed and seemed to think it was funny/okay, but really I think he never wants to talk to me again either.
And I feel like Chris Farley/Norm McDonald at the end of this Swedish Billy Madison clip.