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April 4, 2006
"If you were to die tonight, and jesus were to ask you..."
"On That Ol' Rugged Cross" played gently, by the hands of two elderly women. Everyone was silent; heads bowed, eyes closed. I just sat there. Looking around at the unfamiliar faces. I stared over at my Mom. She was deep in prayer. My heart beat in my head. It felt like the first time I spoke to a girl I had a crush on. Everyone lifted up their heads. They put the bread in their mouths and my brother just glanced at me with a smirk. My heart raced even more. Next, the small cups full of juice came around. I tried to quickly pass it to my mom, but she had a set of her own and I attracted attention to the fact I didn't take one. I passed it back and looked down. Again, my brother gave me a weird look. The heads went down again. I looked around. My Mom looked fidgety. I thought for sure she was crying. Oh, she's crying. When she raised her head again, and drank the juice; there were no tears. Good, I thought. The pastor began to speak again, and my heart returned to it's normal pace.
For the past 5-6 years I have gone to some form of an evangelical, christian reform church. Since I was 12 I was told I needed to be saved or else I was going straight to hell. Of course when an ultimatim like that is given to a 12 year old, they are going to pick eternal life in heaven (even though AC/DC says there will be a party in hell). So I prayed "the prayer". I got baptized. I even went door-to- door sharing the word of God/"Good News". I went to youth group each wednesday. I told kids about Jesus at school (though I was never too outspoken). I was a Born-Again Christian. Now, I don't know what I am, at least spiritually. Not taking communion on Sunday felt huge. It was the first time I physically did something to represent my disbelief. I have talked to my Mom about this for months. She thinks I'm going to grow out of all of this...spiritually. I think that I've just grown out of all of this.
Posted by cory at April 4, 2006 1:36 PM
Comments
whoa.....
this sounds weird, but I am glad to hear it.
Posted by: docbeezy at April 4, 2006 2:13 PM
i remember that first time i let let the cup pass by. it is a milestone. but it felt really good to get your disbelief out in the open
Posted by: GIJudas at April 4, 2006 4:08 PM
what i want to know is when did it become uncool to believe in jesus, or be intune with the God of the Pentatoch [though it seems hip to be Muslim or Hindu]
Spirituality has become politicized and it all seems very messed up to me.
Jim Wallace talks about this some in his book "Why the Right has it wrong and Why the Left doesn't get it." He had a lot of good things to say when he was on the Daily Show and when he was at Calvin.
Posted by: benner at April 4, 2006 4:53 PM
It's hippest actually to be Buddhist or to have a nebulous "spirituality" that defies any semblance of organization.
Still, I don't see why people need to suddenly disbelieve as soon as their Evangelical upbringing fails them. It failed me. I went to Catholicism.
Posted by: jdawe at April 4, 2006 5:10 PM
I want to clarify my comment. I do not think that it is good to not believe, I dont really care either way. What I mean is I am glad to hear that he acted upon what he was feeling as opposed to going through the motions, as many do.
Many people never question the basis of their faith, and just go along with whatever the church says no matter what. And all the while they tell other people they are going to hell, even though they themselves are not in touch with their spirituality.
make sense?
Posted by: docbeezy at April 4, 2006 6:00 PM
I know the feeling
Posted by: outobol at April 4, 2006 9:43 PM
Beezy, I understand your point, but I want to challenge you on a couple things. First, let's suppose the Church teaches truth (capital "T" or otherwise). What's wrong with following? Certainly there's virtue in understanding, but is it necessary? Is all faith without understanding a "blind faith"? Is all blind faith bad just because it's blind? Second, when is the last time you actually heard a professing Christian tell people they're going to hell? I think it's become an accepted myth that "they" tell "people" that they're going to hell. I've lived around evangelicals, fundamentalists, etc. my whole life and I've never heard a personal damnation. If you're a thief and I tell you that unrepentent thieves go to hell, that's a different story. Plus, being in touch with your own spirituality isn't something that comes easy (I guess this is my third point).
Not to rag on you per se, Beezy, but this post raises issues for me. It's become such a common occurance for people to forsake the faith of their upbringing. It's almost cliche. Everyone seems to just pat one another on the back and say "It's OK, you've gotta do what you've gotta do," without challenging them not to replace a blind faith in God with a blind faith in atheism, secularism, relativism, or whatever fashionable spirituality of the day.
Posted by: jdawe at April 4, 2006 11:36 PM
hey, I made a post on the forums to talk about this.
Posted by: Cory Weaver at April 4, 2006 11:54 PM
Faith is a strange term anyway. It implies that one must suspend our logical judgements of the world around us in order to maintain a belief. Surely it is better to coninually question everything around us from as many angles as possible. Maybe full understanding is beyond any of us, so committing to a faith takes away the need to do the questioning ourselves. It's kind of like opting out. Good on anyone that decides to break out of a faith and start questioning the world from their own perspective.
Posted by: Will snakes at December 1, 2006 4:13 AM